Poetry

No one can be in my spot 

I’ve stood on my ten toes

Fuck all the negativity 

Survived all those lows alone 

I don’t give a fuck who u are 

If they bring negativity 

Cut them off instantly 

I don’t give a fuck if it’s your dad 

Haven’t talked to mine in years

No positive reinforcement from no man 

This is why I trust no one 

My mother is barely on my side

Comforting myself when I cry 

Only to find 

I’m my only role model 

Realized I was on my OWN

Until I was adopted by close friends

A new family I call my OWN

My heart is still cold 

Maybe that’s why I crave fiery love 

All I know and believe in is 

Positivity 

That’s why I’m writing these 

My mind is the only home 

I’ve only ever known 

Entries and poems of my tragedies 

To comfort me from my anxieties

A tattoo of a typewriter to remind me of my best friend 

My thoughts and emotions on paper 

As a lost young girl who desired affection

A hug 

A conversation 

Now I teach myself these things as a 24 year old woman 

Deal with the trauma, you are unique 

You are so powerful 

We're left with the damage

From our parents

The ones who were suppose to protect us as new born souls

However we cannot blame them-

That is all they were taught from generations

Ancient times perhaps

No one will know from how old

Therefore,

Reforming myself into the woman I must be

It's my journey

Even if I'm all alone to finish rebuilding and creating me

Trial and error over and over again

Grasping onto my dreams

Not giving up

Meanwhile, the internal monologue won't stop at speeds of one hundred million miles per hour

Feeling hot as Hades degrees

Ignoring the anxiety

The negative connotations replay from anyone who's told me I don't deserve to be loved

Whether is was said or shown by action

Deep breathing, meditation, therapy, and arguing with your mind every single hour

Not many will understand

But don't feel bad for me, just look at my perspective

Severe depression along with the trauma, including ptsd from the drama

Leading into a rabbit hole of the universe

Religion and quantum physics

Leading to questions such as 

“Is there even a heaven?”

We'll have to see after achieving our dreams

Once I create a new generation with my own family

Born to be princesses 

Raised to be knights 

Guarding our hearts

Always ready for a fight 

Aiming these rifles to those who show love

always biting my nails to the nub 

These voices in my head saying “run”

But we have no other choice but to be tough 

And to endure the pain 

Swallowing the tears and feeling the shame 

Wishing heaven was a mile away 

Hopefully to find some form of escape 

But even though we still fall, 

We rise higher than before 

As much as it hurts, we smile everyday 

Ignoring what we see

Creating boundaries 

Breaking negative traditions that have been past down by generations 

Swallowing the tears and feeling the shame

I am who I am 

Even though I fall,

and seen what I’ve seen 

Fuck a princess I’m a lone queen 

Crashed my Honda sport last week

Barely getting any sleep

Been wanting to get away

Suicidal thoughts in my brain

I can handle anything that comes my way

Battling myself every single minute of the day

Working real hard as I ever have

Making my money and not looking in the past

Alcoholic father

Inspired me to be better,

so I wouldn't make the same mistakes as my brother

Hating ass suckas, even your own blood

But I don't give a fuck

Because I got it out the mud

Moving too fast

had to take a step back

kush, contraceptive, and Prozac for breakfast before I crash

I'm cursed

but also know life is a blessing

That's why I haven't pulled the trigger

For now here's my middle finger

When you’re alone in ur room at 4am

Reaching for my ghost 

You’ll remember my soft touch,

The way your arms wrapped around my waist as you pushed me closer into your chest 

The way my heart bled only for you 

I hope you begin to feel me fade away into the darkness where I belong

You will never be my home again 

Burned in the flames of an arsonist 

Who had no problem burning my feelings into the dirt

I usually dig myself into a dark hole 

But I think it’s time to heal from that,

I got my therapist back 

And I’m home again

Bay Area is where I’m most comfortable at

It’s okay to start over 

Standing back up is all I’ve ever known

Reflecting on why I was blinded, now I know why I’m better off alone 

I’m so much happier than I thought I’d be

I feel free 

I didn’t realize all the people that cared so much for me

I know my worth 

My heart is huge and not for everyone who thinks to accept my love 

I’m complex yet the most loving person on earth

So I know I’ll have to wait for this to come

Not letting the gray clouds take over my days 

I started the gym like I use to 

When my mom and I use to leave to get away from the pain

I run and shed the sweat from my past that haunts me to this day 

I’m removing the toxins that consume my thoughts constantly 

Never again will I be with anyone who tells me to get over the trauma and abuse because depression is a real fucking thing

This got me fucked up 

I can’t wrap my head around this 

Taking away genuine people

from existence

The thought of someone disappearing from this multiverse 

I cannot seem to fathom 

my heart so fucking torn 

Feels like I’m being set up 

I got hella questions

Death is such an odd concept 

Life is full of lessons 

God damn this shit hurts 

Never experienced this before 

How do I reverse this curse 

I might even start going back to church 

Started praying and reciting my oraciones

Please undo this depressing omen  

Therapist told me to avoid self medicating 

But how could I stop

if I can’t be alone with my own thoughts 

Wishing it wasnt true

Why couldn’t it be me 

How could it be you 

Rethinking all this shit from religion 

to love 

Even questioning the man above 

How could you take him away if he was so young 

Only 31 

One of the realest and most humble of souls  

Successful and a true inspiration for most 

His laugh could deminish 

any and all negativity in the air 

Smile so contagious

It was so much more than just cutting hair 

This shit ain’t even fair 

I have no family 

Or any motivation to live

I don’t believe In a heaven 

but I want to so I can see you again 

LLO 

I’m not just an ordinary girl 

Pensé que lo sabías 

Creída sin amor and lies from every man 

I saw it creeping from behind 

As soon as your voz changed tone and became less tender 

When you said “I don’t think we should be together”

I knew in my corazón you weren’t the one when you said those words 

Slipping off your tongue like toxic waste

You’re weak just like the others 

Disappointed by a lost lover

That was once mi mundo entero. 

I know how cruel people can be

They say they love you, feed you lies

Eventually become your enemies 

Beautiful words that sung in my ear

Until the day we were strangers again

You said you didn’t see a future with me anymore

So I decided to run instead 

Tried my hardest to be happy so you wouldn’t worry 

Suppressing my sadness every second of the day 

You’d tell me to get over it and that it would be okay 

A year and a couple of months 

Yet that wasn’t enough

Heartbroken by her father 

A man she could never trust 

I started my life over 

In hopes of a man that seemed so pure of love 

Ended in disappointment 

Thrown away so quickly

I’ve been here before, too many times in fact 

Thrown away like trash 

A lonely girl desperate to love and now she’s back

With her broken heart in her hands

Am I a lost cause 

Was love not for me 

I have a huge heart for whom will take me for who i am 

Wanting to escape the relationship 

But don’t seem to respect yourself enough to walk away 

So fucking toxic by having me stay

An argument every single day 

Never used do not disturb until you came because you always complained

Manipulative colored eyes 

A devil in disguise 

Using up all my time 

Gave him everything he desired 

Still, I was the one to blame

What a shame 

Now I’m tired 

Exhausted playing those games 

Never will I be the same 

Numb to these men that break my heart every time I love so hard, just wanting someone to stay 

But insecurities we cannot solve

Passionate love quickly became a recipe for disaster,

I’m appalled 

Questioning my own mind 

Is this really how you wanna live? Is this your happily ever after? 

My therapist even said I had to walk away

I began to see my mothers relationship in the same way 

Do you see? Why I had to leave 

Before you deceive me 

Love or lust?

Is it either anymore?

leading me on with your words 

I finally gave up proving my loyalty

Men please trust a woman that is giving you their all 

Thank goodness you blocked me from everything because I would have gone insane answering another call 

You’ll probably end up reading this anyways

x

Hello stranger 

Sorry it had to end and all 

I don’t have much 

So I value everything 

Time, money, and love

My mental health takes a toll every morning 

I struggle to get up 

But I smile and continue because I’ve learned I’m not better off dead. 

Chaos of emotions 

But mainly confused 

One day to the next switched up 

Wondering if all you said was even true 

I thought we were in love 

Told me to trust you with all my heart, you were nothing like them

A wall I had to break down, 

But I’d do it all for you 

Left everything behind for a new shitty town

To find myself unhappy again 

Stuck in an apartment 

I know my potential

I know I’m not insane 

I just need someone who understands the pain.  

My neck hurts from sleeping with headphones

And finding the right position

To avoid hearing the yelling

And the loud thumps that make my heart race

It's all too familiar in my head

I feel it creeping

Creeping from underneath

Into the mind, I'll help you see

I'm afraid of being sad

My Mom divorced my Dad

I'm working two jobs and wanting to go back to school really bad 

And my brother won't stop sipping from that brown paper bag

I don't know what I'm living for anymore

I don't feel like myself from the depth of my core

I've lost almost fifty pounds because I'm sick

The meds keep me awake at night

Oh great, insomnia now, add that to the medical records list

More, And more,

Another restless night with only a few hours of sleep 

Write that down on your clipboard Ms. Therapist 

I look in the mirror 

Who am I now? Why don't I feel like me?

I stare into my large brown eyes and ask myself;

Why must I live in this shitty life I call mine

I'm slowly becoming numb from the drugs

I smoke weed to help me forget,

Addicted to the pain,

The pain from no feeling or sensation

And suppressing the rest.  

I hear it outside of my window 

Rain as it hits the floor

It’s 4am

Maybe you’re not the one I thought you were 

Your words slipped through your fingers like melting hot wax

Somehow I still believed in us...

I wanted the love I thought I deserved 

Instead I got ignored 

It’s the worst feeling 

Knowing you’re being put to the side 

I’m not your first thought that comes to mind 

But you were mine

left with no reply 

You told me you loved me

But I saw the hatred in your eyes 

I knew it was never real

You told me to leave you alone 

And then you act like I’m not even alive 

I knew you didn’t care inside 

you were probably never even mine 

I know it doesn’t matter to you 

the disrespect or discomfort in the things that you do 

I love everything about it 

The feeling of tranquility 

But sometimes my body confuses the feeling for numbness 

I wish we had stability 

And no longer 

Those sad cloudy days 

We’ve gone through too much together 

Just so we can protect one another 

And to stay somewhat sane 

From the problems of reality and to see another day

The house, the drugs, weapons, the violence, and all the pain

But at the end of the day 

We’ll always be that “troubled family” 

People talk, 

People sympathize,

But what truly irks me is that people say they’ll be there for u when u need them

But when u do, they fold

When ur drowning in the flames 

Feeling like there is a hell in my home and sadness in my brain

I appreciate the people I let into my chaotic world cause I know they have huge hearts for me and my life 

All of you, I’ll keep deep in my heart

My biggest fear was not being the same

But I guess that's the point,

Anything to keep me sane

Keep me away from the sadness

SSRI'S to numb the pain 

Not feeling much of emotion, 

Hope this will all be worth it.

It's sad when you require to start off the day high and drinking a ton of caffeine 

I imagine I'm living in a care free dream

It's my daily routine, or else I'm shy, quiet, and restless until I go to sleep 

I have this feeling of tranquility as I'm driving to my second job,

I'm staring at this beautiful road with trees hovering over the two way street.

 As the elevation increases, you see the grassy mountains from afar

 Meanwhile, the sun is beaming through the branches and leaves 

Creating shadows over me

This beautiful scenery before I enter 

a winding road

I then ask myself "Am I dead?"

My mind conflicted, 

Debating if this is actually real or in my head

Because this must be what heaven feels like. Happiness and no worries of what comes ahead

 for a split moment as I'm driving at high speeds

I savor these happy moments 

Suddenly, when the quick two minutes of tranquility is over

I bounce back to a place where I have no home

I 've come to the conclusion this is only a comparison to heaven because my reality feels like a hell

I begin to shed a tear and quickly wipe it off because I suppress it all,

I question weather to drive off the winding road in hopes of a happy life 

This journey has just begun

I no longer wanna stay in bed and cry myself to sleep

I've left those who influenced negativity behind

Now all I have is me.

No one to drag me down 

Nor to keep me from growing into who I really am.

I'm a free spirit and fuck what anyone else has

This is your life

No comparisons and no envy in my eyes

Everyone has their time

Stand up for what you believe in and chase your dreams

Fuck what anyone thinks.